Friday afternoon. My therapy work for the week is done. My dog is curled up beside me. It is windy outside. It is a moment where I could collapse into a heap of heavy fatigue. My work is heavy at times. Life is heavy at times. Being me is heavy at times.
Claudia understands this heaviness of being so very well. She lives it often. She and Dany have created short films which invite us into the real life lived experience of being depressed. They invite us right into their bedroom and right into their bed. They give those who experience depression a chance to feel seen and understood, and a chance for those who do not know it a chance to feel it super close. To empathize.
My music, for some reason, gives resonance and melody to Claudia’s experience, and to the determined hope that resides in her heart. Even before I began composing for Beddin’, Claudia and Dany found small musical pieces I had made and used them to add colour and layers to their early trailers. More recently I have been composing pieces that are directly inspired by their films.
And it is a very deep privilege and pleasure to do it.
I create directly with my violin and viola, and occasionally with some other synthesized sounds and beats. My process is quite simple. I watch the video and let it sink in. I watch it again. And a third time. I usually cry. The thing that gets me the most in all of it is the love relationship between Claudia and Dany. Dany is always there–reachable, accessible, accepting and kind. Even when he is sleeping, the viewer knows that Claudia could wake him if she needed to. When he is not there physically, he answers her texts. He looks at her with such love and acceptance. They kiss and hold each other so well. The other thing which gets me is Claudia’s resilience and strength. Her life force. Despite the horrendous childhood filled with multiple traumas, despite the crushing weight of depression, there she is, always, alive and fully human.
After letting the film penetrate my heart, I set myself up with my instruments and my recording equipment and I start laying down tracks. It flows out from my soul to theirs. It’s quite a special process. (Of course, the huge task of fitting the music to the film is mostly on Dany and sometimes take a very long time.)
I feel filled with gratitude that, today, on a day when I might have collapsed, I instead have the space, the time, and the energy needed to step into the flow of this creative collaboration.
Thanks Dany, for sending me the new film. Thanks Claudia for being willing to put your experience out there.